The Twenties. Getting Over An Ex.

I always get the same question. How do you get over someone you are still in love with? The answer is easy, but not very popular amongst my friends. The answer; you have to end all communication. It's not easy, but necessary. I  know there are different circumstances, such as working or going to school with an ex. If that is the case for you, then this article is not for you. This is for those who no social or work ties to their ex. I notice that someone who isn't over the person they just broke up with only wants to stay in their lives because they can't let go. You have to let go for your own sanity and peace of mind. They always know this deep down but always insist on learning the hard way. Getting over someone you are in love with is not meant to be easy. So why do we insist on trying to make this process easy? For those who are truly in love you wake up thinking about that special someone. You go to sleep thinking about that special someone. So you can't expect to get over them overnight. Also whoever said dating helps you get over an ex is an utter fool and a liar. You are too vulnerable to even think about dating, do not do it to yourself. The best medicine is grabbing your girlfriends and having some fun. You have permission to act reckless when you are dealing with a broken heart. Stay out late, have that extra drink and do something you always wanted to do.You can even grab a friend or few friends and take a trip somewhere. The point is to stop your mind from actively thinking about your ex. The reason you do not want to date during this time is because you don't want to jump from one broken heart to the next. Anything is possible, even if you are not looking for love sometimes love tends to find you. Do not set yourself up! I know it's hard and it feels like you will never mend your broken heart but trust me you will. To assist I devised a twelve step program.

Step 1. End All Communication
I don't mean just talking either. No aim, no email, no facebook, no twitter, no calls, no texting, etc. We live in a  world where there is just too many ways to contact someone. Ignore the calls and the texts. Block them from all social networking sites. You need to learn how to live life without them

Step 2. Reflect
Sit down and think about everything that went right and wrong in your relationship. What qualities did you not like about your ex? What would you have done differently? What qualities do you need to work on? Make mental notes so you know what to do, and not to do, in your next relationship. You don't want to keep making the same mistakes. This is an important step!

Step 3. Stick To Your Guns
I noticed after someone reflects, in step two, they think they could apply that to their previous relationship and start over. Trying to make a failed relationship work is a completely different process that involves both parties. Right now, there is a reason you are here and why that relationship did not work. Concentrate on moving forward rather than taking two steps back. You know that person who says "we've been on again off again for (x) amount of years". Trust me, it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Step 4. It's okay to mope
If it' a week, two weeks or even three weeks later and you still find yourself gloomy and dejected, that's okay. Sit around in your pj's, eat ice cream, listen to sad love songs. Sometimes you just need to cry until there are no tears left.

Step 5. Spring Cleaning
Time to get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex.. Throw away those pictures, throw away those stuffed animals and lock the jewelry away. Just get rid of those things that reminds you of your ex.

Step 6. Occupy Your Time
When you have a lot of down time you'll notice you start to think of your ex. Keep yourself busy. Read that book you've wanted to read. Watch those movies you've been meaning to catch up on. Clean out your DVR. Try to occupy every minute of your day.

Step 7. Pamper Yourself
After dealing with a breakup you don't feel sexy. So treat yourself to something. Manicure, pedicure or anything that makes you feel sexy. It's tremendous how a trip to the salon will improve your mood.


Step 8. Night Out On The Town/Vacation
Get away and do something fun. Whether it be for one night or an entire weekend. Life did not stop because of one broken heart. Grab a friend, or two, and live it up.

Step 9. Don't Be Bitter
Breakups happen all the time. Don't let it break your spirit. Normally after a breakup you feel like you wasted your time. Not true. You always learn something after each failed relationship. Let that anger go. There is nothing attractive about someone being angry all the time.

Step 10. Do Not Rebound
Avoid a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships happen after a breakup with a significant love. It's an excuse to try to forget about your ex. You are not done mending your broken heart. You may think you are ready to date again, but in actuality you are not.

Step 11. Enjoy Being Single
You can enjoy being single without dating. Have more girls nights out. Stay out late. Have that extra drink. Sometimes it's okay to behave badly. There are perks to being single. Find them and enjoy them.

Step 12. Acceptance

The Twenties. Stop Complaining About Your Beau.

Do we get in our own way when it comes to making love grow?
I notice females tend to complain a lot when it comes to their significant other, usually in conversations among their friends. I lost count with how many times my girlfriends and I sit and bitch about our boyfriends. One day, while I was out with a few friends, I listened and sometimes, sorry ladies, we complain for no reason.
Do we sometimes complain just to complain?
For instance, my friend was annoyed she would only speak to her boyfriend once or twice a day. In her previous relationship she spoke to her boyfriend at least every two hours. I told her that her previous relationship should not set the standards for this relationship. Every single relationship is different. Of course she continued saying that it bothered her because she didn't know what he was doing all day. That even if he was busy he could find a minute to text her or call her just to say hello. Ultimately, it made her feel like he might be cheating.
Ladies, did you ever notice we are so quick to think negatively?
In all honesty, there's always a possibility your partner could be cheating. But, why is that the first thing we assume? So of course when her boyfriend finally called her later that night she started questioning him like he committed a crime. To make a long story short, he later told her that she was selfish, spoiled and inconsiderate. He sometimes worked 16 hour days and could not believe she was upset because sometimes he can't find a minute in the day to even eat. He ended things with her and she was devastated. She didn't understand why and felt that he should of understood how much she loved him. All she wanted to do was talk to him more.
When will we realize that our beau is not obligated to do anything? They are not obligated to call us every two hours, text us every hour or even see use every day. If you are both in love why can't that be enough? We can't keep throwing accusations and complaining about what our partner is not doing. Be happy that someone out there is in love with you. We can be so selfish, inconsiderate and spoiled without ever realizing what we are doing. If it really bothers you that much lightly bring it up in conversation. Stop attacking your partner with everything that bothers you. We always go into attack mode when we are upset. STOP IT! Take a breath, think about what's bothering you and communicate.

The Twenties. Opposites Attract.

You ever felt like you just didn't understand your partner? You ever look at your partner like they were from another planet? How is it possible to love someone that is so different from you? Do opposites really attract? For the first time I am my own test dummy, not writing about my friends or colleagues experiences but rather my own, I hope someone out there can relate. Honestly it takes me a couple of months to realize how different I may be from my partner. That's when the differences begin to drive me crazy and the fighting begins. Something I am learning, never let your differences lead to unexplainable blow-outs. Words once said cannot be taken back, only apologized for. There is nothing worse than saying something hurtful to your partner during a meaningless fight. How does love remain when two people are just so different? I think I finally understand why.
There are those who look for stuff that they have in common with someone before they start dating. That never quite worked for me, here's why, and I hope we can follow along. I think of myself, and others, as an unsolved puzzle. I'm almost complete but I'm missing a few pieces. So when I look for someone that I can see myself dating long term I'm looking for someone to bring some of the missing pieces to the puzzle. You can never grow and learn if you keep meeting the same people that is just bringing duplicate pieces to your puzzle. Ultimately the goal is to complete the puzzle right? But how to keep the differences from leading to fighting is something I'm still working on. We try, to the best of our ability, to respect each others boundaries. Talking is always effective as long as it doesn't lead to a shouting match. There's something so special about understanding someone completely different and being introduced to a whole different world other than your own. Sometimes we allow ourselves to become trapped and enclosed in our own world that we refuse to understand others views and outlook on the world. Sometimes we think we know it all and we actually don't.  It's usually the one's that are my complete opposite that stimulates my mind the most. If you ask me, there is nothing sexier than mental stimulation. When you find someone that stimulates your mind you found a rare treasure.

The Twenties. Being in an Open Relationship.

It is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around having an open relationship but at times I find myself conflicted, let me explain why. When you ask those that are, or have been, in an open relationship they always give the same explanation. An open relationship is a committed relationship were both partners agree to have physical and/or emotional relations with others. But isn't a committed relationship suppose to consist of exclusivity and monogamy? However, each relationship is different. Two people should be allowed to design their relationship to how they see fit. In the end it's all about you and your partner's happiness, right? Is it really impossible for some to just have one person fulfill all their needs?
Who has one of anything nowadays? I remember when people was ecstatic to have one house, or one car or one cell phone. Now people have two or three of everything. Are we just that greedy? Is one really just a lonely number? Why isn't one of anything good enough? I think we live in a time where greed is so widely accepted we create these terms like polyamorous relationships. Honestly, and this is just my opinion, an open relationship is both partners choosing to give in to their greed and lust. They don't want to give up one another and they want to see other people. Period. But I can't be bias when it comes to this topic because it is such a touchy subject. So let's move forward. I also think there is something wonderful about two people who are in love that can be mature enough to discuss something like this. I'll be honest if my partner ever came to me wanting an open relationship let's just say I'm not mature enough to handle it. As a female, let me say insecure female, I would feel like I wasn't good enough or I was doing something wrong for him to want to see other people. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to handle an open relationship but I do applaud those who are strong enough to endure their partner sleeping with other people.
If you feel secure enough in your partner and your relationship to have an open relationship then that's great. At the end of the day it's about whatever makes you and your partner happy.
Your relationship. Your rules.
Maybe I'm old fashion or just selfish. I want it to be me and the person that I'm in love with, that's all. It's hard enough dealing with temptation and trusting your partner to stay committed to you. I can't imagine my partner sleeping with other people but still thinking that what we have is special so he'll always come home to me. Not to sound blunt or harsh but did you ever stop to think that you are both wrong and delusional or just plain greedy. What if someone comes along and they have a stronger connection? You only have yourself  to blame because you allowed your partner to venture off to be with another person. What if one wants to end the open relationship and go back to just being faithful to one another? Is that even possible? Did you ever stop to think that you are both just being greedy and are only giving into lust and your desire for others?
I can go on with the what ifs all day. At the end of this it's still your relationship and your rules. Good luck. Your gonna need it.

The Twenties. Sacrifices vs Control

As I get older I learn the difference between making sacrifices and being controlled in a relationship. There seems to be a thin line so I'll try to tackle this subject to the best of my ability. Love can make us cross that line and not even know it. Once it's crossed we allow ourselves to become comfortable and think it's normal because we refer to it as sacrifices, when it's not. For example, let's say I'm dating this amazing person but he has a nasty habit, he's a smoker. Concerned for his health and because there's nothing nastier then kissing a smoker I ask him to stop. From the moment I ask he had the common sense to know it wasn't an ultimatium but a choice. He was willing to make that sacrifice for me so I could be happy in our relationship. When a relationship gets serious you will soon find out there are things that your partner does that you may not always agree with. This does not give anyone an excuse to control anything your partner does. I was with a group of friends one Saturday night and I realized we were missing someone who is usually always in attendance. When I turned to a friend and ask about their whereabouts they replied, "Daniella's boyfriend thinks that we are bad influences on her so can't hang out with us anymore." I was shocked because we've known her for years and became very close friends. It's not like we only go out to bars or clubs but we go camping, bike riding, dinner, movies, etc. Intially my feelings were hurt but my hurt feelings soon turned to anger. I felt like she just removed herself from our lives and didn't think twice about it so in my eyes she was never really my friend. Imagine my surprise when I got a tearful phone call a month later from her. I've never been one to turn away a friend so I stopped everything I was doing and listened to every word. To sum it up, she was a wreck. She missed her friends whom she loved dearly but didn't want to lose the man she has come to love. She didn't know what to do and for the first time I didn't know what to say. She then went on to say that he hated when she hung out late, didn't like her hanging out all the time and dressing so sexy when she went out. I told her there was ways around that to stop hanging out with us shouldn't have been the answer. She said he convinced her with a speech stating sacrifices was sometimes necessary in a relationship. I told her he was absolutely right but he doesn't seem to understand the difference from being controlling to making sacrifices. We hung up and I'm sad to say six months later we no longer hang out and we've been reduced to "facebook" friends. I run into her family and some of her old friends who she no longer keeps contact with. From what I hear her situation has worsened and she is no longer allowed to leave the house unless he is with her and she cannot have company over unless he's home. Sadly in her world this seems perfectly normal. It just goes to show how naive and in love some people can be that they can confuse being controlled is the same as making sacrifices for someone they love.

The Twenties. An Ex Does Not Equal A Best Friend.

An ex should never become your best friend unless he/she is gay. Period. The only reason a person allows an ex to become their best friend is because he or she still has feelings for that person. Some one is going to get hurt eventually. By saying this person, whom you are still in love with, is now your best friend is as ridiculous as it sounds. You mind as well announce out loud, "Yes, I'm still in love with this person but they don't want to be with me. But he did give me the we can be best friends speech and I was stupid enough to listen". Usually us females fall victim to this and let me explain how. We begin dating a guy and we become head-over-heels in love. Then one day he pretty much says something along the lines of this; "It's me not you. I still love you. But I want us to be the best of friends." This is usually a trick. What he says sounds genuine but he's masking what he really wants to say. All we hear is that he still loves us. Then some how we come to the conclusion that it's the wrong timing and he will have some sort of epiphany and realize we are the one for him. Now, I'm not saying this isn't a possibility but 9 out of 10 times this will not happen. So it begins, you begin to play the best friend role. After a few weeks you think things are going great as friends and you begin to think that this new found friendship will somehow manifest into the perfect relationship. Now let's be honest. How many of us has broken up with our boyfriend but didn't stop sleeping with him? Well there's no difference here. So here you are weeks later having the best conversations, getting along perfectly, having great sex and you couldn't be happier. Until he tells you or you find out that he's seeing other people. Now what? There's nothing worse then being heartbroken over a guy then getting you hopes back up about the same guy to only be crushed. What we don't realize is he knew exactly what he was doing the entire time. He knows that you are still in love with him but that won't stop him from sleeping with you. There's a reason he's no longer your boyfriend.Right now, he has it made. He still has you, minus the title and gets to be with other girls. What guy doesn't want that? A guy will only do what we allow him to do to us. If he doesn't want to be with you, move on. Sometimes a guy has to lose us completely to realize what he had. He's not really losing us if we pretend to be their best friend. You don't need to pay a psychologist thousands of dollars to figure that one out. I guess we sometimes forget common sense can take us a long way.