The Twenties. Getting Over An Ex.

I always get the same question. How do you get over someone you are still in love with? The answer is easy, but not very popular amongst my friends. The answer; you have to end all communication. It's not easy, but necessary. I  know there are different circumstances, such as working or going to school with an ex. If that is the case for you, then this article is not for you. This is for those who no social or work ties to their ex. I notice that someone who isn't over the person they just broke up with only wants to stay in their lives because they can't let go. You have to let go for your own sanity and peace of mind. They always know this deep down but always insist on learning the hard way. Getting over someone you are in love with is not meant to be easy. So why do we insist on trying to make this process easy? For those who are truly in love you wake up thinking about that special someone. You go to sleep thinking about that special someone. So you can't expect to get over them overnight. Also whoever said dating helps you get over an ex is an utter fool and a liar. You are too vulnerable to even think about dating, do not do it to yourself. The best medicine is grabbing your girlfriends and having some fun. You have permission to act reckless when you are dealing with a broken heart. Stay out late, have that extra drink and do something you always wanted to do.You can even grab a friend or few friends and take a trip somewhere. The point is to stop your mind from actively thinking about your ex. The reason you do not want to date during this time is because you don't want to jump from one broken heart to the next. Anything is possible, even if you are not looking for love sometimes love tends to find you. Do not set yourself up! I know it's hard and it feels like you will never mend your broken heart but trust me you will. To assist I devised a twelve step program.

Step 1. End All Communication
I don't mean just talking either. No aim, no email, no facebook, no twitter, no calls, no texting, etc. We live in a  world where there is just too many ways to contact someone. Ignore the calls and the texts. Block them from all social networking sites. You need to learn how to live life without them

Step 2. Reflect
Sit down and think about everything that went right and wrong in your relationship. What qualities did you not like about your ex? What would you have done differently? What qualities do you need to work on? Make mental notes so you know what to do, and not to do, in your next relationship. You don't want to keep making the same mistakes. This is an important step!

Step 3. Stick To Your Guns
I noticed after someone reflects, in step two, they think they could apply that to their previous relationship and start over. Trying to make a failed relationship work is a completely different process that involves both parties. Right now, there is a reason you are here and why that relationship did not work. Concentrate on moving forward rather than taking two steps back. You know that person who says "we've been on again off again for (x) amount of years". Trust me, it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Step 4. It's okay to mope
If it' a week, two weeks or even three weeks later and you still find yourself gloomy and dejected, that's okay. Sit around in your pj's, eat ice cream, listen to sad love songs. Sometimes you just need to cry until there are no tears left.

Step 5. Spring Cleaning
Time to get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex.. Throw away those pictures, throw away those stuffed animals and lock the jewelry away. Just get rid of those things that reminds you of your ex.

Step 6. Occupy Your Time
When you have a lot of down time you'll notice you start to think of your ex. Keep yourself busy. Read that book you've wanted to read. Watch those movies you've been meaning to catch up on. Clean out your DVR. Try to occupy every minute of your day.

Step 7. Pamper Yourself
After dealing with a breakup you don't feel sexy. So treat yourself to something. Manicure, pedicure or anything that makes you feel sexy. It's tremendous how a trip to the salon will improve your mood.


Step 8. Night Out On The Town/Vacation
Get away and do something fun. Whether it be for one night or an entire weekend. Life did not stop because of one broken heart. Grab a friend, or two, and live it up.

Step 9. Don't Be Bitter
Breakups happen all the time. Don't let it break your spirit. Normally after a breakup you feel like you wasted your time. Not true. You always learn something after each failed relationship. Let that anger go. There is nothing attractive about someone being angry all the time.

Step 10. Do Not Rebound
Avoid a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships happen after a breakup with a significant love. It's an excuse to try to forget about your ex. You are not done mending your broken heart. You may think you are ready to date again, but in actuality you are not.

Step 11. Enjoy Being Single
You can enjoy being single without dating. Have more girls nights out. Stay out late. Have that extra drink. Sometimes it's okay to behave badly. There are perks to being single. Find them and enjoy them.

Step 12. Acceptance

The Twenties. Stop Complaining About Your Beau.

Do we get in our own way when it comes to making love grow?
I notice females tend to complain a lot when it comes to their significant other, usually in conversations among their friends. I lost count with how many times my girlfriends and I sit and bitch about our boyfriends. One day, while I was out with a few friends, I listened and sometimes, sorry ladies, we complain for no reason.
Do we sometimes complain just to complain?
For instance, my friend was annoyed she would only speak to her boyfriend once or twice a day. In her previous relationship she spoke to her boyfriend at least every two hours. I told her that her previous relationship should not set the standards for this relationship. Every single relationship is different. Of course she continued saying that it bothered her because she didn't know what he was doing all day. That even if he was busy he could find a minute to text her or call her just to say hello. Ultimately, it made her feel like he might be cheating.
Ladies, did you ever notice we are so quick to think negatively?
In all honesty, there's always a possibility your partner could be cheating. But, why is that the first thing we assume? So of course when her boyfriend finally called her later that night she started questioning him like he committed a crime. To make a long story short, he later told her that she was selfish, spoiled and inconsiderate. He sometimes worked 16 hour days and could not believe she was upset because sometimes he can't find a minute in the day to even eat. He ended things with her and she was devastated. She didn't understand why and felt that he should of understood how much she loved him. All she wanted to do was talk to him more.
When will we realize that our beau is not obligated to do anything? They are not obligated to call us every two hours, text us every hour or even see use every day. If you are both in love why can't that be enough? We can't keep throwing accusations and complaining about what our partner is not doing. Be happy that someone out there is in love with you. We can be so selfish, inconsiderate and spoiled without ever realizing what we are doing. If it really bothers you that much lightly bring it up in conversation. Stop attacking your partner with everything that bothers you. We always go into attack mode when we are upset. STOP IT! Take a breath, think about what's bothering you and communicate.

The Twenties. Opposites Attract.

You ever felt like you just didn't understand your partner? You ever look at your partner like they were from another planet? How is it possible to love someone that is so different from you? Do opposites really attract? For the first time I am my own test dummy, not writing about my friends or colleagues experiences but rather my own, I hope someone out there can relate. Honestly it takes me a couple of months to realize how different I may be from my partner. That's when the differences begin to drive me crazy and the fighting begins. Something I am learning, never let your differences lead to unexplainable blow-outs. Words once said cannot be taken back, only apologized for. There is nothing worse than saying something hurtful to your partner during a meaningless fight. How does love remain when two people are just so different? I think I finally understand why.
There are those who look for stuff that they have in common with someone before they start dating. That never quite worked for me, here's why, and I hope we can follow along. I think of myself, and others, as an unsolved puzzle. I'm almost complete but I'm missing a few pieces. So when I look for someone that I can see myself dating long term I'm looking for someone to bring some of the missing pieces to the puzzle. You can never grow and learn if you keep meeting the same people that is just bringing duplicate pieces to your puzzle. Ultimately the goal is to complete the puzzle right? But how to keep the differences from leading to fighting is something I'm still working on. We try, to the best of our ability, to respect each others boundaries. Talking is always effective as long as it doesn't lead to a shouting match. There's something so special about understanding someone completely different and being introduced to a whole different world other than your own. Sometimes we allow ourselves to become trapped and enclosed in our own world that we refuse to understand others views and outlook on the world. Sometimes we think we know it all and we actually don't.  It's usually the one's that are my complete opposite that stimulates my mind the most. If you ask me, there is nothing sexier than mental stimulation. When you find someone that stimulates your mind you found a rare treasure.

The Twenties. Being in an Open Relationship.

It is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around having an open relationship but at times I find myself conflicted, let me explain why. When you ask those that are, or have been, in an open relationship they always give the same explanation. An open relationship is a committed relationship were both partners agree to have physical and/or emotional relations with others. But isn't a committed relationship suppose to consist of exclusivity and monogamy? However, each relationship is different. Two people should be allowed to design their relationship to how they see fit. In the end it's all about you and your partner's happiness, right? Is it really impossible for some to just have one person fulfill all their needs?
Who has one of anything nowadays? I remember when people was ecstatic to have one house, or one car or one cell phone. Now people have two or three of everything. Are we just that greedy? Is one really just a lonely number? Why isn't one of anything good enough? I think we live in a time where greed is so widely accepted we create these terms like polyamorous relationships. Honestly, and this is just my opinion, an open relationship is both partners choosing to give in to their greed and lust. They don't want to give up one another and they want to see other people. Period. But I can't be bias when it comes to this topic because it is such a touchy subject. So let's move forward. I also think there is something wonderful about two people who are in love that can be mature enough to discuss something like this. I'll be honest if my partner ever came to me wanting an open relationship let's just say I'm not mature enough to handle it. As a female, let me say insecure female, I would feel like I wasn't good enough or I was doing something wrong for him to want to see other people. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to handle an open relationship but I do applaud those who are strong enough to endure their partner sleeping with other people.
If you feel secure enough in your partner and your relationship to have an open relationship then that's great. At the end of the day it's about whatever makes you and your partner happy.
Your relationship. Your rules.
Maybe I'm old fashion or just selfish. I want it to be me and the person that I'm in love with, that's all. It's hard enough dealing with temptation and trusting your partner to stay committed to you. I can't imagine my partner sleeping with other people but still thinking that what we have is special so he'll always come home to me. Not to sound blunt or harsh but did you ever stop to think that you are both wrong and delusional or just plain greedy. What if someone comes along and they have a stronger connection? You only have yourself  to blame because you allowed your partner to venture off to be with another person. What if one wants to end the open relationship and go back to just being faithful to one another? Is that even possible? Did you ever stop to think that you are both just being greedy and are only giving into lust and your desire for others?
I can go on with the what ifs all day. At the end of this it's still your relationship and your rules. Good luck. Your gonna need it.

The Twenties. Sacrifices vs Control

As I get older I learn the difference between making sacrifices and being controlled in a relationship. There seems to be a thin line so I'll try to tackle this subject to the best of my ability. Love can make us cross that line and not even know it. Once it's crossed we allow ourselves to become comfortable and think it's normal because we refer to it as sacrifices, when it's not. For example, let's say I'm dating this amazing person but he has a nasty habit, he's a smoker. Concerned for his health and because there's nothing nastier then kissing a smoker I ask him to stop. From the moment I ask he had the common sense to know it wasn't an ultimatium but a choice. He was willing to make that sacrifice for me so I could be happy in our relationship. When a relationship gets serious you will soon find out there are things that your partner does that you may not always agree with. This does not give anyone an excuse to control anything your partner does. I was with a group of friends one Saturday night and I realized we were missing someone who is usually always in attendance. When I turned to a friend and ask about their whereabouts they replied, "Daniella's boyfriend thinks that we are bad influences on her so can't hang out with us anymore." I was shocked because we've known her for years and became very close friends. It's not like we only go out to bars or clubs but we go camping, bike riding, dinner, movies, etc. Intially my feelings were hurt but my hurt feelings soon turned to anger. I felt like she just removed herself from our lives and didn't think twice about it so in my eyes she was never really my friend. Imagine my surprise when I got a tearful phone call a month later from her. I've never been one to turn away a friend so I stopped everything I was doing and listened to every word. To sum it up, she was a wreck. She missed her friends whom she loved dearly but didn't want to lose the man she has come to love. She didn't know what to do and for the first time I didn't know what to say. She then went on to say that he hated when she hung out late, didn't like her hanging out all the time and dressing so sexy when she went out. I told her there was ways around that to stop hanging out with us shouldn't have been the answer. She said he convinced her with a speech stating sacrifices was sometimes necessary in a relationship. I told her he was absolutely right but he doesn't seem to understand the difference from being controlling to making sacrifices. We hung up and I'm sad to say six months later we no longer hang out and we've been reduced to "facebook" friends. I run into her family and some of her old friends who she no longer keeps contact with. From what I hear her situation has worsened and she is no longer allowed to leave the house unless he is with her and she cannot have company over unless he's home. Sadly in her world this seems perfectly normal. It just goes to show how naive and in love some people can be that they can confuse being controlled is the same as making sacrifices for someone they love.

The Twenties. An Ex Does Not Equal A Best Friend.

An ex should never become your best friend unless he/she is gay. Period. The only reason a person allows an ex to become their best friend is because he or she still has feelings for that person. Some one is going to get hurt eventually. By saying this person, whom you are still in love with, is now your best friend is as ridiculous as it sounds. You mind as well announce out loud, "Yes, I'm still in love with this person but they don't want to be with me. But he did give me the we can be best friends speech and I was stupid enough to listen". Usually us females fall victim to this and let me explain how. We begin dating a guy and we become head-over-heels in love. Then one day he pretty much says something along the lines of this; "It's me not you. I still love you. But I want us to be the best of friends." This is usually a trick. What he says sounds genuine but he's masking what he really wants to say. All we hear is that he still loves us. Then some how we come to the conclusion that it's the wrong timing and he will have some sort of epiphany and realize we are the one for him. Now, I'm not saying this isn't a possibility but 9 out of 10 times this will not happen. So it begins, you begin to play the best friend role. After a few weeks you think things are going great as friends and you begin to think that this new found friendship will somehow manifest into the perfect relationship. Now let's be honest. How many of us has broken up with our boyfriend but didn't stop sleeping with him? Well there's no difference here. So here you are weeks later having the best conversations, getting along perfectly, having great sex and you couldn't be happier. Until he tells you or you find out that he's seeing other people. Now what? There's nothing worse then being heartbroken over a guy then getting you hopes back up about the same guy to only be crushed. What we don't realize is he knew exactly what he was doing the entire time. He knows that you are still in love with him but that won't stop him from sleeping with you. There's a reason he's no longer your boyfriend.Right now, he has it made. He still has you, minus the title and gets to be with other girls. What guy doesn't want that? A guy will only do what we allow him to do to us. If he doesn't want to be with you, move on. Sometimes a guy has to lose us completely to realize what he had. He's not really losing us if we pretend to be their best friend. You don't need to pay a psychologist thousands of dollars to figure that one out. I guess we sometimes forget common sense can take us a long way.

The Twenties. A "Normal" Relationship.

"I just want a normal relationship". I hear this way to often from females around my age group. So I ask: What is a normal relationship? For me, the word normal coincides with the word standard and I don't think their is any standards to any relationship. All relationships have their problems, big or small. Personally, I would die in a normal relationship because their is nothing normal about me. Yes, I'm a mess. I'm pretty sure whoever is reading this is a mess as well. Aren't we all? Again I ask: What is a normal relationship? Is it a relationship with no problems? Not even one? I don't believe it. If your someone reading this thinking well I know so-and-so and she never has a problem in her relationship. Wrong! Either she is lying to you or she doesn't talk as openly about her relationship as you do. Every person in any relationship, whether it be with a male or female, at some point had a problem where they had to decide whether to stay in their relationship or not. So if your that person looking for a "normal relationship" I'm sorry to burst your bubble but it doesn't exist. Being in a relationship comes with some form of stress at some point in time. Now, I'm not saying a relationship should be stressful 24/7, but it will get stressful at times. So, if your the type of person that doesn't handle stress very well then you need to carefully consider if you should be in a relationship until you learn how to better deal with stress. If you are the person that is looking for a normal relationship then you'll be looking for a very long time. Happy Hunting.

The Twenties. The New Selfish Society.

I love going to the bar with my friends. Not only for the cheap drinks and great conversation, but the conversations I get to eavesdrop on. One night, I overheard this young girl talking about her relationship with her boyfriend. Basically, they were both young busy people who barely had time for one another. According to her, they we're both very much in love with each other and wanted to make it work. But here's her definition of making it work, which I'm sure she didn't run past her partner. She would "pretend" everything is fine in her relationship and tell her partner that she didn't mind that they barely saw one another. But in reality she hated it and to satisfy her needs would see other people on the side. When her friend suggested and open relationship she nearly choked on her drink and said I would die if I found out he was seeing someone else. When did we all become so selfish? When did playing with one's heart become so easy? When did we all stop learning how to make sacrifices. The real scary part about the conversation is that 4 out of her 5 friends agreed. When did selfishness become so common? I also feel like we really forgot what a relationship really means. Isn't it suppose to be when two people commit to only one another? Not fall in love with one person, tell them that you love them but continue to sleep with other people. I mean what the hell is going on? I needed to know how common this really was so I spoke to a few friends about it. I'm not saying that all my friends agreed but the majority agreed, if it's just sex and nothing more then there is no harm in sleeping with another person you don't have feelings for. This saddens me and makes me really dislike my generation. Why is the body no longer a temple? Doesn't commitment also mean physical commitment?
 I don't need to make a clever long winded answer for this one. If you don't have enough time for your partner and are not willing to make any sacrifices then you don't need to be in a relationship. Not only that but no one should be sleeping with more than one person, single or not. I'm starting to realize this is why we have so many STD's floating around, so many failed marriages and so many "baby momma's". Is my generation ever going to get it together? Or do we just get older, continue to make the same mistakes and set a bad example for the generation the follows? I'm no rocket scientist but I think I already know the answer.

The Twenties. Forgiveness.

Why is it so hard to forgive in a relationship? Is it because we never really forget what the person did we just excuse it? For instance, let's say I had a 2009 BMW that my friend ask to borrow for a couple of hours. When she returns with the car there's a fresh scratch on the hood of the car. She's apologetic, of course, but she's insane if she thinks I'll ever give her my car keys again in the near future. So how do we apply this to a relationship. Your partner cheated. How do you move forward? You forgive him and he's never allowed to talk to another female? That's unfair because despite what you may think he's not your property. Many view cheating as something that's unforgettable and their absolutely right. How do you forgive the unforgettable?
I think many of us need to take a step back and really examine what forgiveness means. To forgive is to pardon any wrong doing and to renounce any anger that you may have. When you ask someone to forgive you to many of us expect to be forgiven in the blink of an eye just because you apologize and ask for forgiveness. Yes, we have the ability to forgive you but it doesn't happen over night. Forgiveness takes time as do many other things, i.e rebuilding trust like I spoke about earlier. It takes time to let that anger go to truly forgive someone. It's so hard to forgive in a relationship nowadays because everyone forgot what it means to forgive. Our partner ask us to forgive them and we blindly say yes and block it from our mind as it never happened. Well it did happen. Blocking it from our mind does nothing but make you look oblivious to what really happened. You can't just decide to block something out. That's silly and it doesn't make much sense. You can decide whether or not your willing to take the time out and forgive someone but forgiveness actually comes much later. Now, if your the one that did the wrong doing please don't expect to be forgiven overnight. We also need to learn how to word things more carefully. If your partner admits something to you and you really don't forgive them, don't tell them that you forgive them. The appropriate response should be I am willing to forgive you but it will take some time. Let's stop blocking out all the bad things that happens in a relationship. Let's take the time out and really learn how to forgive.

The Twenties. The Gift Of Giving Flowers.

I love that I have an equal amount of male friends to female friends. I get a good look of how differently men and women think. Now, don't get me wrong, there are those rare occasions when both can be on the same page. However, when they're not, I find it that not only are they not on the same page but in a totally different book. One thing that men and women will never be on the same page about: the gift of giving flowers. Some men, from time to time, will give their significant other flowers but will never truly understand why females want these things that will die in about two weeks. Men tend to be more nonchalant so rather than ask questions they shrug their shoulders and just send the flowers. As a women, and after some light research, it seems men only think it's about the flowers. When in actuality it's the meaning behind giving flowers.
For women, flowers represent affection and romance. Two things we love in any relationship. When we receive flowers and it's not an occasion it lets us believe that you were thinking about us at some point in your busy day. I don't think men notice women do a lot AND spend a lot to feel beautiful. Some of us get our hair and nails done religiously, some of us spend hundreds even thousands of dollars on clothing and some of us even get cosmetic surgery. But when a man gives a women flowers not only do we feel beautiful but we feel special.
I explained this to one of my male friends who said, "Are you fucking serious! It's just flowers. You females need to get a grip." Of course I laughed but now I find myself thinking do we really need to get a grip? Why do we let something so insignificant and inexpensive, that will die in two weeks, have so much power? Is it really just flowers?
I don't think I will ever find a correct answer to that question. I can only say how I feel. Yes, physically they are just flowers but they mean so much more. I can't describe the feeling I get when I see someone I really admire and care about surprising me with a bouquet of flowers. In that one moment it seems that the earth stands still. It feels like it's just him and I and these beautiful flowers. After thirty seconds I slowly start to come back down to earth and I feel the biggest grin on my face. I notice I'm blushing and it feels like I'm walking on air. Even if my hair isn't done, or I have crust in my eyes because I just woke up I still feel beautiful and special.
After explaining this, if he still doesn't understand why giving flowers mean so much, I am willing to wave my white flag. I don't want a man to understand why giving flowers can be important. I want a man that knows what makes the earth stand still for me.

The Twenties: Book Intro

Picture this: You. As you are right now. Your running a race. Some of the faces that run along side of you, you know, and some you don’t. But you can’t focus on them, you can only concentrate on you. Your heart is pounding, it’s practically beating out of your chest. Every time your foot hits the floor you feel like you’ll collapse with the next step. Your drenched in sweat. It’s stinging your eyes. Your breathe is wildly out of control. Your praying that the race will soon be over. Then you see it, the finish line. You feel overwhelmed with relief. A smile takes over your face and suddenly like magic the pain begins to suddenly disappear. Now your running faster, just dying to get to that finish line. You can’t wait to get a nice cold Gatorade once you’ve crossed. You hear everyone yelling, applauding and snapping pictures. Everyone is smiling at you, giving you pats on the back. Your now doing a light jog, the finish line is only a few feet away. Your getting closer. Closer. Closer. You did it. You crossed. Everyone around you is cheering and celebrating. Your finally catching your breathe. Your eyes are closed. You never felt more accomplished in your life. You never thought you could actually finish a race but you did. You now see a young boy walking over to hand you your icy cold Gatorade. He hands it to you. The bottle is cold and perspiring. You open the lid and slowly begin to drink. It’s beyond refreshing, your savoring the moment. When you open your eyes the boy says, “Are you ready?” No idea what he’s talking about you respond, “ready for what?”. The boy replies, “The next race. It’s starting right now.”
This is exactly how I felt graduating high school. It felt like I just finished the most exhausting race. A four year long race. Of course the goal of any high school student it to graduate. But how many of us really think beyond the race? I know I didn't. I don’t even think I really cared. I could not see pass the goal of finishing the race. I don’t know why graduation for me equaled freedom, but at the time I thought that’s what graduating represented. Little did I know I was free the entire time. High school is nothing compared to the real world. Six years later, some days I wish I could go back. Were the biggest decision I probably made was to cut class or not. But then I think about the life experiences I’ve endured and where I’m at now I'm life. My unpreparedness took me on a wild roller coaster ride, with many highs and lows I would of never thought of six years ago.

The Twenties. Respect.

Respect. Growing up we're always taught to respect our parents, teachers and elders. Once you start dating we're then told to find someone that will respect us. Respect, respect, respect. I've heard this word my entire life. I'm now 25 years old, I still hear this word all the time and I still have no idea exactly what this word means. As always I turn to my team of experts, my friends, and I ask them to explain what respect means to them. You know that saying "are we on the same page", well they were in the same book but definitely not on the same page. So how can we demand respect and show respect to others when no one seems to have a clear cut definition.
When we were younger showing respect to our parents and teachers was easy. You smiled, said your please and thank you's and never raised your voice. The word respect suddenly changes around your teenage years and takes on a whole new meaning. How do you show respect in a relationship? How do you earn respect in a relationship? As you get older respect is more associated with one's actions. You can no longer sit there, look pretty, flash a smile and think your showing someone respect. Unfortunately I, as always, learned this the hard way.
I was having a discussion with my boyfriend that some how turned into an argument. Just when we was running out of names to call each other he turned to me and said, "you just don't respect me." I was floored. Not only that I was pissed. Every single teacher I ever had from Kindergarten to Eighth grade always wrote two things on my report card after the end of every term; pleasant and respectful. So how could I not respect him?
It's hard to point out signs of respect but we all know the signs of disrespect. If your partner belittles you, lies to you and invades your privacy that's disrespectful. Period. You have to find a way to respect one another in order to have a successful relationship, even if your not sure what respect really means. Sit with your partner and talk about it. I am still learning this but I never forget communication goes along way. If you still find that you are being disrespected please don't think by dealing with their disrespect it just proves how much you love them. That is just stupid. You don't earn respect by tolerating disrespect.

The Twenties. Mind Games.

When did everyone suddenly start playing mind games with one another? I'm sitting at lunch with my friend who is talking about this amazing guy she met this past weekend and went on a date with. She's smiling from ear to ear going on and on about how incredibly good looking and intelligent he is and just when she's just about finished with the story her phone rings. She looks down at her phone and her eyes completely light up, "it's him", she says. Of course, I tell her to pick up because that's what you normally do when your awaiting some one's call but to my surprise she hits the decline button. I then ask why she declined the call and she tells me I don't want him to think I'm just sitting around waiting for his call. She then says, and I quote, "I have to play hard to get. Now that I know he's thinking about me I'll wait a few days to call him, it'll make him want me more." What surprised me is that she said this so naturally as if reciting her A,B,C's. I've always heard about men and women playing mind games but I didn't know we became so comfortable with this that we can actually admit it aloud. I then turned to my friends for their thoughts on the topic and after much debate they all concluded that at one point in time they all played some sort of mind game with someone they were involved with.
Now, I took a couple of psychology classes and last time I checked the term mind game was associated with passive aggressive behavior, covert abuse and manipulation. Now when I told my friends this they all started using the phrase "it's just an innocent mind game". If you ask me, the words innocent and mind game does not belong in the same sentence. As far as I can tell, mind games does not make us anymore desirable it just makes us look crazy. It's hard enough on men just to understand us women, so pardon me if I don't play mind games. I just don't have the time for it and it seems like unnecessary work. As far as my friend goes, once he didn't hear back from her in two days he assumed she didn't enjoy the date. He went on a date with another female and began to seriously date her two weeks later. A mind game is exactly what is sounds like, a game. There can only be one winner. I laugh now every time I see that pop up at the end of a video game. "You lost. Play again?"

The Twenties. Trust.

Trust. Why is it so hard to trust people? I believe the reason is because there is nothing logical about trusting people. There's nothing logical about being completely open and vulnerable with another human being. Ultimately, your taking a leap of faith on a person and entrusting them with your feelings and emotions. You have to build trust with a person and determine their trustworthiness. This is why so many friendships and relationships fail. We either don't know how to build trust or are too quick to trust. How do you build trust? Easy. Rely on your common sense and be patient. We forget that we have to feel trust and experience one's trustworthiness. With time a person will show you whether or not they are trustworthy, it's up to you to decide if you will keep that person in your life or not. We make it difficult to trust because for some odd reason we all forgot that we have to determine if someone is trustworthy before we trust them. Building trust is never difficult, it just requires time. Now rebuilding trust that's difficult. I'll attempt to tackle that topic later.

The Twenties. Friends vs Acquaintances

Why does it feel like we lose so many friends in our twenties? Are we changing so much that certain friends no longer fit into our life? When do we notice that our friends are slipping away? Is it an angry phone call from a "friend" demanding to know why we are strangers to them now. Are we being accused of never calling. Did we really go from speaking every day to only speaking once a week. Is there a way to prevent this from happening? It would be easy to say it's like any other relationship you have to work at it. The truth is in your twenties that's when you start working a real 9 to 5. That's when you realize there are not a lot of hours in the day to do all that you need to get done. That's when the real journey on your life path begins and not all your friends fit onto that path. Your twenties is where you really figure out your interests, your dreams and your goals. So why do we take it so personally when a close friend is no longer in constant contact. Some take it really hard like it's a break up, analyzing what they could of possibly done wrong. Then when that friend finally finds a minute out of their busy schedule to call them they immediately get attacked. Are you the one constantly over analyzing why some people don't keep in touch like they use to? Or are you the person whose life has become so busy you don't notice when you go an entire week without calling at least one friend or send a friendly text. Is there a friendly transition from close friends to acquaintances? How do we decipher friends from acquaintances?

The Twenties. The New Mid Life Crisis?

"Shit I'm Old." This is the text that woke me up at 4:00am on a Saturday night. To make matters worse it was sent from someone who is three years younger than me. Apparently a friends younger sibling went to a nightclub and found out upon arrival it was teens night. The next text that followed said, "there are so many new artists, new dances and new songs out I had no idea about. I definitely felt like the old bitch in the club." This was alarming to me because if she thought she was old then I must be ancient. Every twenty something that I know definitely has that moment when they realize they are getting older. But when did getting older turn into "I'm old"? Does it hit us like an epiphany? What was the moment when you realized, holy crap I'm old. If you ask me it sounds dangerously close to almost having a mid life crisis. Are twenty somethings even capable of having a mid life crisis. Should there be a new term for us? Why do forty somethings get a fancy word and we don't? This definitely caught my attention and I needed to do my own research. First I needed to exactly what a mid life crisis meant. From movies and T.V all I really knew was that at some point in your forties people begin to go crazy or slowly lose their mind. No offense to older readers but that's what was always portrayed on television when it came to a mid life crisis. I needed to actually define what a mid life crisis meant and this is the best definition I found so far. The following is taken from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, "To describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age." Was that it? Did that sum up a mid life crisis? I conducted my own experiment at my office. I ask several colleagues the following question, "Would you consider your twenties a period of dramatic self-doubt sensing the passing of your youth and the imminence of old age." It was unanimous, everyone said yes. I felt like I was on to something. I was about to discover that twenty somethings have their own weird mid life crisis of their own. So where is our fancy term!? I need to do more research.

The Twenties. Your Relationship vs The Internet.

In your twenties lovers will come in and out of your life very much like a revolving door. Some are mere flings others turn into serious relationships. People say when you're in love and can be completely open and honest with your partner then you're relationship can withstand the test of time. Clearly this person was not around for the epidemic that is social networking websites. It is terrific for keeping up with friends, family and colleagues. But what happens when you start dating someone new and you both happen to be on the same social networking sites. Do you look at that persons page more than you should? Are you looking for something to affirm that your partner is faithful? When did these harmless sites become the ultimate spy tool for people in relationships? Some might say if he or she is faithful and not doing anything then I don't see the harm in checking out their page once or twice a day. Why is this necessary? Some of us don't even brush our teeth twice a day so why do we make it a point to "spy" on our partner twice a day. If we are happy with the person we are with, and I mean truly happy, then why are we looking for something that can be the detriment of our relationship? It seems that we all secretly have trust issues and social networking sites only confirms this.
I received a text from an ex colleague, Alanna, who I have remained friends with over the past three years. She's a 26 year old financial account manager, incredibly beautiful, has a masters degree in business and makes a impressive salary for any 26 year old. When it comes to relationships she always has a difficult time trusting men and it's always short lived due to her trust issues. I regret introducing Alanna to Twitter because she is now a social networking stalker and her boyfriend of only 8 weeks is the victim. Instead of doing work at work she has become consumed with checking out the profiles of her boyfriends female friends looking for any sign of flirting. I knew it was getting out of hand when she text me at 9:30am "OMG why did she send him a smiley face and he sent her a wink back"! Let's just say two weeks later the relationship was no more and the smiley face and wink was completely harmless. If she would of did further research she would of found out the girl was pregnant and engaged to her long time boyfriend of four years.
Speaking to several friends social networking spying on a partner is more common than I thought. Is there a way to stop this? Are all relationships doomed because of our constant over thinking and over analyzing? I know some of you are thinking well how else are we suppose to find out if our lover is cheating. I don't want to look like a fool in the end because he or she was cheating. We need to stop, take a deep breathe and learn how to trust a little more. If you feel the constant need to check up on your partner because you think he or she is cheating then just maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. The problem is not them, it's you. Your trust issues will be the down fall of your relationship. The best piece of advice that anyone ever gave to me when it comes to a relationship is "whatever is done in the dark will come to light". You can't go looking for things to deteriorate your relationship. Sometimes you just have to let things play out. What I do know is that we do all of this to prevent having our hearts broken. I am sorry to be the one to inform you that heart break is inevitable. It's almost as certain as death.

The Twenties. The New Survivor.

They say your twenties are the years to be envied by all other age groups. They are said to be the best years of your life. The partying, the freedom, the self-discovery and just the celebration of being young. Is it just me or did someone fail to tell us these are the years when life just hits you in the face. The only real comparison I can even come up with is to a deer caught in headlights. Just imagine what goes through a deers' mind right before seeing a speeding car with blinding bright lights. Their so surprised and frightened they are unable to move or think. Well that's what it feels like in your twenties. Life comes at you so fast it can feel like suffocation. So how do you make long term life decisions when you can barely breathe? Do we rely on our instincts? Do we just "go with the flow"? Is this why so many of us turn to recreational drug use and become alcoholics because we just can't deal? Do we make reckless decisions because that's the "thing-to-do" when you're in your twenties? Why do the twenties feel like the new "Survivor"? I'm sure almost everyone is familiar with the show Survivor. A reality television game show where contestants are isolated in the wilderness and compete for cash and prizes. Unfortunately, not everyone can successfully make it to the end. There motto: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast. Should this be the new catch-phrase for us twenty somethings. Is there a way to survive these crucial years without losing a piece of ourselves or losing ourselves completely?